by Jill MacGregor

Who’s on Your Team?

We all have a team–a team being that group of people, family and friends, that you rely on in good times and bad. They are the people you reach for first. They become your comfort, your security blanket, your voice of reason.

You have a special language with these people, one that’s been developed throughout the years and it’s punctuated with snorts, raised eyebrows and smiles that say more than words. With these people, their actions don’t have to be monumental to be significant.

Who Embraces Your Contradictions?

I am feeling sorry for myself; I am not going to lie. Someone is stealing my sounding board. I’m becoming aware of a tightening circle. No one’s dying. Nothing sad is happening. A friend is going off to live a dream. I’m just so sad that she’s doing it so far away from me. And I wonder how I will ever be able to replace the necessary ingredient she is in my life — that I will now only have on a limited basis. It’s like someone took my salt.

So, here’s some real change. People leaving and slowly getting used to the hole that is created by their absence.

Those people—you know, the ones you hold close because they are the people who truly get you. They like your weird parts and, Lord knows, you were blessed with plenty there. These special people refer to your weird parts as your personality and they like it—they even search it out. They choose to be around it. It makes them happier…somehow.

Those people share the wins in your life, significant or tiny, with the same amount of zeal and are always there to remind you of the victories when you lose sight of the progress you’ve made. They lead the cheer, they get people on their feet and they remind you of the excitement.

Among your friends, I imagine you have a tiny handful–a core–that keeps the machine that is you running smoothly and productively. This select group of friends understands why you run when you really just want someone to ask you to stay, why you laugh when your eyes rim with tears, why you push when you are hoping for agreement.

I quietly feel the emptiness in preparation of her leaving, as if I’ve reached my hand into a dark cave to feel if there’s anything lurking. I test what my world might be like without my friend a couple miles away, without the casual “of course”-ness which is the foundation of our friendship. And, she’s taking her husband and daughter with her too. That’s just adding insult to injury.

I will miss all of them.

But why am I such a sad sack? She and her family are making this enormous life change, leaving a city they’ve lived in for 19 years to *go in search of…* Right—dot dot dot. That’s fantastic! She gets to live a dream. Her face is lit up. The list is long, thrilling and unclear as to what the exciting end product might be. They are like blind people forced to work with their other senses, knowing the new situation needs to feel like this and a part of their new life may do that but not knowing what they have their hands on until they compare notes. Enormity.

I also look at my friends leaving with the big suspicious side eye. Let me explain why. My friend is also an impetus—she does something big, talks about the change, gets me thinking about things in my life and then I do something big. I guess I sometimes need her to prime the pump.

So, I watch them go. And I wonder how my life will change not only because of their absence but because of their example.

If you liked this you might want to read My Funny Valentine.