by Jill MacGregor

liminality: a psychological or metaphysical subjective state, conscious or unconscious, of being on the “threshold” of or between two different existential planes

I harbor a deep and growing resentment toward the horoscope in the Sunday paper. It repeatedly tells me *today is a 7*. I cannot get past a 7. Every flipping Sunday—7.

My horoscope score (HS) is a 7.

I just invented Horoscope Score^TM.

Everyone else is having 8’s and 9’s…it makes me think they get tired when they get to September and they say, “Aw, let’s just give the Virgos a 7 again. They won’t notice.”

But we do. We are Virgos. And that in itself is not always easy—nor is it often a 7.

Liminality showed up in recently my horoscope and caught my eye…it felt so very *not* a 7.

Sidebar: Sometimes I read other horoscopes only to gather evidence against my argument of being a 7. Because, of course, I want to be fully prepped to defend my case in Horoscope Court. Best argument to date: I am definitely not a 7—maybe more of a 9 or, dare I say it, a 10—because I am experiencing liminality.

So, moving from the topic of my horoscope rage…I think there might be something to this liminality–excuse me while I overuse my new word. I do feel like I’m in a bit of a jumping off place (HS 9)-—maybe a launching pad (HS 10)-—or if nothing else, some sort of transition (HS 7).

Transition is such a boring word, boring like buying tires. When you think about it, a step forward involves one foot in the past and one foot in the future. Passing from one to the next—let’s call it what it really is.

Time travel (HS 11).

My next step creates the past just as it creates the future.

Liminality. So much more interesting than transition.

Jill is experiencing liminality. Jill is liminalious. Liminalicious. Even though I’m not sure how to use it in a sentence, I pretty sure it will make you study me and wonder.

And not think I am just having a mid-life crisis.

And, as you study me and wonder, you will notice that things are mid-process, that colors are slipping off me only to be replaced by new ones. You will see all that I have shed lying in a heap at my feet and wonder about the slightly raw and pink newness that has taken its place. You will nod at my desire to stretch my new baby muscles, tight like rubber bands.

You will think words like re-invention and rebirth.

That sounds so much more glamorous than mid-life crisis…

But the Virgo in me wants to distill it down to its truest nugget – and also find something I can use properly in a sentence.

I’m doing gap assessment.

Once you understand where the gaps lie—that tender spot between what is and what will be—you can then lash your bridge together and close said gap.

This will allow me to touch something that I once could only see from a great distance.

That’s got to be at least a 9.

If you liked this, you may want to read:

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by Jill MacGregor

I’m learning a big lesson right now, I think. About fighting. I love to fight—fight for what’s right—or better—fight to BE right.

Oh, but there’s more. It feels good to fight to prove you’re strong, fight to prove you can, fight because sometimes easy doesn’t feel as valuable. Fight to tell the world something’s important.

I fight a lot. Not always for the right causes.

What would happen if all the energy I put into fight was put into something else?

So… this lesson. I understand that until I finally learn the lesson(s) I will be a fighting machine—and probably not in a good way.

I’m starting to think that instead of fighting, the real issue may be to find the way to let something be good and positive just the way it is. Not as a pushover. More in a *breathe deep aaaaand release* kind of way.

You may have noticed that I haven’t written for a while…it feels horrible, by the way, as if I am very hungry but am only allowed to eat Pixie Stix. As if I am going to a beautiful art museum only to be met by elaborate displays of chicken bones and bent fork mobiles…banjos in the background… As if I can’t get the last pickle out of the jar…you get it. It’s unsatisfying, to say the least.

I guess I have a story here.

It starts with pain.

Pain is great reminder that something is wrong. And I’ve been getting reminded regularly that something is wrong with a pain that grabs my hip like an angry fist. Digging into me and stopping me in my tracks—like a horrible game of freeze tag I never asked to join. This thing has reacquainted me with finite. And I HATE finite. Finite is a bully who takes away my choice.

Lesson 1: Find the infinite beauty in all things even when they’re a pain in the ass.

So, here it is: my clutch is slipping and I can feel it going.

Several months ago, I started limping–again. And that may seem like nothing to you. But to me it is a big, giant *uh oh*. Decades of my life have been marked with this: limp, cut, hobble, limp, heal, limp…repeat. It’s my hip. Three surgeries since I was 12 and now another one. At this stage it is unexpected, or at least, premature.

Now they recommend a hip replacement.

This is a problem with a solution. What’s the big deal then?

It’s not supposed to happen now. Simple as that. My last surgery occurred so this wouldn’t have to happen for many years.

Lesson 2: Find the opportunity in Plan B and embrace the moment, even though your choice is not the choice.

This was not what I was expecting to hear when I visited the doctor. And once I dried my angry tears and was left just with my anger, I devised a plan. A plan to trick my hip…wouldn’t be the first time I done it.

I’ve developed a strategy throughout my life. If I can’t figure something out, can’t make it do what I want, I have learned that I can hack it.

hack: an inelegant but effective solution to solving a problem

So I began to work my plan to find ways to trick this thing, this troublesome hip.

I decided to mind over matter the hell out of it. I dragged my hip to the gym and made it walk fast on the treadmill—and do lots of leg presses—like a normal hip would. Yea…not so much with this one but it did accentutate that gimp along I was perfecting.

I went to a healer. I am a firm believer in things I cannot explain. I’d visited this healer before and he delivered relief I couldn’t explain. This healer converses with my spirit guides while I lay on a massage table, eavesdropping.

His hands hover over me, never touching my fully clothed body, plucking at the air as if an invisible harp is resting the length of my body.

“So, we’re going to work on growing cartilage and muscle.”

“Dude,” I respond. I mean I know he’s a healer but…dude.

“And it will be uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable would be a step up”, I say.

He continues plucking at the air.

“So, what do my spirit guides think about me?” I interrupt.

He laughs at their silent response. “They say you are doing the best a human can do.”

PS: We didn’t grow any new cartilage or new muscle.

I add new tricks to my plan.

I started doing deep -painful- fascia massage.

And swimming a lot.

And acupuncture.

That all helped. At my 2nd opinion months later with Dr. Terribly Cute I was forced to fess up when he greeted me with “How are you walking on that thing?”. that thing = my wonkus hip

I tried everything I could to affect change. All I did was manage some of the pain.

So…I’m getting the clutch replaced.

Lesson 3: Accepting the fact that you can’t change some situations, no matter how hard you fight, doesn’t make you weak.

Recently I have moments when I think about my current hip being replaced and I feel something surprising. I’ve begun to understand that there is no part of my body that has worked harder, fought again and again to be like it’s mate—even in its weakest, most worn out, drilled into, stitched up moments—only to be replaced with a chunk of ceramic and a titanium rod. How hard will this new inanimate piece fight to be strong and normal?

Lesson 4: See the strength in the damaged part of yourself, emotional and/or physical. Your weakness can be the thing that makes you strong because it urges you to fight harder.

My body knows so little of normal but maybe we can all say that to some degree. Everything’s connected to everything and when my hip is crooked, my back compensates, and my neck and my knee…my crazy Jenga configuration.

What do I know from sockets that fit smoothly into their joints? My hitch has had a get along for almost 40 years. My body fights to fit together. I grind and pop and not in a way that would make you want to throw dollar bills in my direction.

Lesson 5: Shit. I’m getting old…

I’m afraid I can’t do it any other way than crooked.

I’m afraid my artificial parts won’t fight as hard.

I’m afraid that *normal* will be harder.

I’m afraid I won’t heal.

Lesson 6: You know you’re standing close to the heart of it, close to the answer you need, when you feel Fear thumping you in the back of the head. Think of Fear as that extra cup of coffee—you’re not going to sleep as well but, boy, are you going to be alert to what’s going on—inside and out.

Might be a reason.

If you liked this, you may also want to read these—just because they always make me feel better:

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by Jill MacGregor

Newness. Walking into a cold room. Change. Proving yourself to new people. These things will never go away. How do you boost your self confidence in new situations when you may not know the lay of the land or the people that inhabit it? How to you convince yourself that you are comfortable, at ease and happy to be wading waist deep in these unknown waters?

Whenever my mom dropped me off at a new school for the first time, she would offer me this advice—Look people in the eye and smile pretty.

This may have to be adapted if you’re a guy. Sorry, I don’t know what she’d tell my brothers.

Bunko, con, flim flam, gaffle, grift, hustle, scam, scheme, swindle, bamboozle—oh yea, that’s what I’m talking.

There’s one person we have to fool. And it’s you.

Here we go. I’m sorry but the reason we have to fool you is because you won’t listen to reason. Look, I could remind you that you are capable, equipped to deal with all new situations. You with your scared bunny face. We obviously have to take a different route with you.

We’re going to have to pull a short con on you.

No need to whip out the big tricks—this doesn’t require the energies of a hardcore long con. This is the short con—and you will play all roles—you are the grifter and the mark. (It’s your own fault) Let the manipulation begin!

I have to say, I’ve seen your work and I’m impressed. It’s amazing–the long and short cons you’ve pulled. I am amazed by all you’ve convinced your poor mark to believe. I’m sure of your skill, seeing some of the cleverness — famous hustles like: “Now They Know I’m an Imposter”, “All My Success Has Been an Accident” and “I Peaked Early…It’s Downhill From Here”. It always amazes me what your mark will buy even though in their gut they know they are being sold a bill of goods and that the con flies in the face of logic.

The mark of a good con is playing your role consistently and with conviction. Here are some famous short cons for making your mark feel like they are on top of it and they can accomplish anything in any new situation.

Con #1

Convince the mark to act the way they want to feel. This is a great way to ingratiate yourself with the mark and get them to believe that you can help them in their new situation. And, it always works! Persuade the mark to create in their mind how they would ideally like to feel/be/be seen in their new situation. Get them to identify 3 descriptions—maybe it would be: to feel talented, self confident and comfortable in this new situation. Convince the mark to begin acting as if they were talented, self confident and comfortable—the opposite of how they actually feel. They will fight you. It will sound too simple.

Remind them that they can trust you and to just give it a try. Tell them to act confidently. Act comfortable. Act as if they understand they are talented. Convince the mark that once they start acting this way—even if it feels like a lie–people will begin responding to them in like and they will in turn pick up on that—and the circle is complete. Mirrors facing mirrors, reflecting infinitely.

Con #2

Posing as a wealthy Nigerian businessman, remind the mark of what their best friend would tell them at that moment of starting something new. This scam is known as the Best Friend Pep Talk. You will be playing on the fact that the mark knows their best friend so well that, even when absent, they know what their best friend would tell them—this seems to be a voice that is always present in the mark’s head. If your mark is playing it hard, you may have to bring in said shill and actually get the best friend on the phone. Best part of this con: The Best Friend Pep Talk works whether you’ve got the best friend on the line or not.

Con #3

Convince the mark that items of clothing hold special powers, making difficult situations easier. That these powers are then attributed to the wearer—otherwise known as the Dress the Part con. Share your “special secrets” surrounding the power of wearing your favorite color or sharpest outfit. Push the fact that lucky underwear is not a myth. Let them in on the strength of a new lipstick.

Con #4

Tell the mark you are a Chinese art student and con them into creating an exterior of confidence as they enter the new and possibly uncomfortable situation, even if it feels like a flimsy façade to them, ie: tell them to make strong eye contact, use their friendly voice and try smiling. Tell the mark that you’ve heard and even seen for yourself that people respond positively to these actions. The important thing is to convince the mark that what they put out is reflected back and that we are all mirrors of those around us.

Works great in combination with Con #1, Act the Way You Want to Feel.

Con #5

Feed the mark information surrounding the sometimes frightening nature of new situations. Pepper your con with the It’s Normal to feel Nervous and Every New Situation is a Challenge/Lesson scams –gain their confidence through understanding. Remind the mark that they rock for showing up and for doing everything they did to get them to this point. Don’t worry about sounding corny. Your mark is vulnerable. They want to believe. Think of it as a kindness.

The beauty? These cons work powerfully together—mix and match—and craft the perfect short con for making that mark feel like they can conquer the world.

It will be easier than you think. I know a clean mark when I see one.

Leave me a comment–I’d love to know your thoughts!

by Jill MacGregor

Today you are you, that is truer than true.

Dr. Suess

I have never lost the understanding I had as a 2 year old little girl that mommy and daddy would always love me no matter what…I carry it with me, whether I’m aware of it or not. It grants me freedoms, real or imagined, as I walk into new situations and meet new people. I realize that I’m lucky in that regard because not everyone has had that level of acceptance from the people who matter most—I recognize that. And there have been many times when I have pushed its limits. If I wasn’t breaking the rules I somehow had the look about me that I was. Perhaps this is always the fate of the eldest child…

We all have people in our lives who have given us the permission to be ourselves. And I now talking about those people outside of our families—people who have no predetermined investment in each of us becoming the best version of ourselves. Why do some people make more of an impact than others?

I say *bless you* when strangers sneeze. Just under my breath. I might interrupt myself if I’m talking.

I’m compelled to tuck in people’s collar tags when they’re poking out—whether I know them or not.

I correct people’s grammar in my head without realizing it. Like right now…I’m probably changing your adjective into an adverb. Just doing my part.

I feel guilty if I don’t give the homeless guy a dollar—even if he’s really drunk.

These aren’t big things. They are very little things that begin to construct the fabric of who I am. Thread by thread, these behaviors weave together picking up thicker, stronger threads more significant colors as they go, to create a recognizable pattern, solid edges that won’t fray. The little things (and some of the big things) that I do were not taught to me by my family but they are remnants of my interactions with people throughout the years–the teachers that noticed, the friends that modeled behavior for me to follow…or to avoid. All those ripples that hit my shore–they made a difference– regardless if the one throwing the rock from shore ever witnessed it or not.

Those people exist for each of us. They had a hand making us who we’ve become through their influence, their kindness, their interest in us. Sometimes our contact with these people felt random and is short lived—but that doesn’t lessen the impact they may have in our lives. Other times, their influence can be far more deliberate and meaningful, lasting for decades.

How did these people mind map me into the unusual piece of science fiction that I am today? When we think of the influential people in our lives, do we have similar themes?

These influencers probably had no idea of how they would change us. They might even be shocked to hear that they could affect that kind of change. You would shake your head in disbelief that they could miss such an important component of who they are. It’s amazing that they could miss that.

Just like you might do if someone delivered the message to you, of how your actions, your words, your example has changed their life. Think about it. Every day. You can be a powerful tool or a dangerous weapon—and you get to pick.

I would love to hear your thoughts—do leave a comment!

By Jill MacGregor

I started this blog just a few months ago on September 11th, as a birthday present to myself. I didn’t know exactly what to expect as I began. It’s been a thrill for me.

Tracks in the snow. You. You there. I know you’re out there…quietly tiptoeing around in the dark and leaving behind your analytics. I see the trail you leave. I so love to hear your shouts from the etherworld. Overwhelming me with your opinions, hopes, rants.

I want to thank you for reading. I don’t think I can tell you how much it means to me that you take time out of your day to do so.

That little thing you do is so meaningful to me.

Thank you.

My personal goal was to hit 2,500 unique visitors this year and I hit 2,501.

Thank you again.

Here are your favorite posts in order. You picked all my favorites. Hope you enjoy.

Since I am embracing “don’t ask, don’t get” this year in a brand new way, I’d like to ask two more things of you. If you haven’t subscribed, it would mean a lot to me if you would. And if there’s a post that speaks to you, please share it with a friend.

Thanks in advance.

Your Faves From 2009

Your 2010 is going to kick it.

by Jill MacGregor

You lucky bastard.

You heard me, you magnificent, lucky bastard.

I know you may be having some tough times right now. Maybe you feel alone. Forgotten. Disconnected. Powerless. Unable. Heartsick. Overwhelmed. Unrecognized. Lost in the situation you find yourself.

I know.

But you’re also loved. There are people who think you are cool and are amazed by the things you do. All your little acts of kindness—they become seeds in the wind and they end up taking root in the most surprising places—and you’ll probably never know about all the good you’ve done.

Think about all the things people don’t even know about you—you, who keep your light under a bushel far too often. Maybe today’s the day to bring that out into the light. I wonder what would change if you did.

There is no one like you. You with your multitude of gifts.

I’m going to offer you an opportunity to share your gifts. What do you say…why not harness all your goodness, take a moment and make a change for the world.

Visit Kiva . This is your opportunity. You can make a difference in people’s lives—your engagement with Kiva will become your seeds in the wind–but you will know exactly where those seeds take root and how they will affect change.

It’s amazing when your goodness and your power work together.

Kiva distributes micro-loans to entrepreneurs in developing countries. It’s easy to forget how a small amount of money can do so much in developing countries—Twenty five dollars makes a huge difference to these entrepreneurs in hitting their financial goals and moving themselves and their families toward independence. So easy…miss a happy hour. The nut will be covered.

What would it feel like to help someone in such a significant way? Someone needs your help. Giving will allow you to feel connected and help you realize the power you do possess to truly make a change.

You are so amazing.

You magnificent, lucky bastard.

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