by Jill MacGregor
Who’s on Your Team?
We all have a team–a team being that group of people, family and friends, that you rely on in good times and bad. They are the people you reach for first. They become your comfort, your security blanket, your voice of reason.
You have a special language with these people, one that’s been developed throughout the years and it’s punctuated with snorts, raised eyebrows and smiles that say more than words. With these people, their actions don’t have to be monumental to be significant.
Who Embraces Your Contradictions?
I am feeling sorry for myself; I am not going to lie. Someone is stealing my sounding board. I’m becoming aware of a tightening circle. No one’s dying. Nothing sad is happening. A friend is going off to live a dream. I’m just so sad that she’s doing it so far away from me. And I wonder how I will ever be able to replace the necessary ingredient she is in my life — that I will now only have on a limited basis. It’s like someone took my salt.
So, here’s some real change. People leaving and slowly getting used to the hole that is created by their absence.
Those people—you know, the ones you hold close because they are the people who truly get you. They like your weird parts and, Lord knows, you were blessed with plenty there. These special people refer to your weird parts as your personality and they like it—they even search it out. They choose to be around it. It makes them happier…somehow.
Those people share the wins in your life, significant or tiny, with the same amount of zeal and are always there to remind you of the victories when you lose sight of the progress you’ve made. They lead the cheer, they get people on their feet and they remind you of the excitement.
Among your friends, I imagine you have a tiny handful–a core–that keeps the machine that is you running smoothly and productively. This select group of friends understands why you run when you really just want someone to ask you to stay, why you laugh when your eyes rim with tears, why you push when you are hoping for agreement.
I quietly feel the emptiness in preparation of her leaving, as if I’ve reached my hand into a dark cave to feel if there’s anything lurking. I test what my world might be like without my friend a couple miles away, without the casual “of course”-ness which is the foundation of our friendship. And, she’s taking her husband and daughter with her too. That’s just adding insult to injury.
I will miss all of them.
But why am I such a sad sack? She and her family are making this enormous life change, leaving a city they’ve lived in for 19 years to *go in search of…* Right—dot dot dot. That’s fantastic! She gets to live a dream. Her face is lit up. The list is long, thrilling and unclear as to what the exciting end product might be. They are like blind people forced to work with their other senses, knowing the new situation needs to feel like this and a part of their new life may do that but not knowing what they have their hands on until they compare notes. Enormity.
I also look at my friends leaving with the big suspicious side eye. Let me explain why. My friend is also an impetus—she does something big, talks about the change, gets me thinking about things in my life and then I do something big. I guess I sometimes need her to prime the pump.
So, I watch them go. And I wonder how my life will change not only because of their absence but because of their example.
If you liked this you might want to read My Funny Valentine.
Jill, my heart aches for you when I read this. Since we share this dear friend I know exactly how you are feeling. She and I have parted ways 3 times over the years. I speak from experience when I say that it is never easy, and it is never the same as when we live in the same city; however, true friends never really lose that connection and are always close in our heart (no matter how cheesy that sounds). When she told me the news, one of my first questions was, “How is Jill taking it?” Thank goodness for the digital age we live in now. When she moved away the first time, I remember waiting until the long distance rates dropped in the evening to call! Oh – and getting used to the time difference will be a bitch! You’re bound to call at some crazy time at least once. Take care and I will continue to enjoy your posts. Love, C
Christy,
Thanks so much for thinking of me. Of course, you would understand having been through it yourself! It is sad to have them leave but I just remind myself of how great this time is going to be for them. I hope you’ll get to see them more often now that they’re closer.
Thanks for your kind words on the blog–I’m so glad you like it!
Take Care,
Jill
It’s hard to see our close friends go, and endure alone the feeling of emptiness. Still, change is a manifestation of something better for you and your friend.
Having moved rather spontaneously to Mexico more than a year ago (and not to a beach town where my friends want to spend their vacation time, but to a dusty mountain village smack in the middle of the country), I can tell you that on the leaving side, we who go off to pursue our dreams have a different concern: that we’ll be resented, filled-in-for and forgotten. But my close friends haven’t forgotten me any more than I’ve abandoned them. Instead, we’re in a latent state of “next time!” and whenever next time comes, as it has for me now that I’m visiting my family and friends in Minnesota, we make the most of it. The “hasta luegos” after these brief visits are much harder for me than was the big adios, simply because the adventure has become the everday for me now, and I wish I could suck my closest friends and my family into it with me! But they’re here…I’m there…and through email, Skype, blogs, websites and Facebook, we still manage to stay involved in each others’ lives. But more than that–now we also can expand each others’ worlds.
Great words of wisdom, Anne! This may be the first time I’ve been on the recieving end of leaving–having been the one who’s moved and left friends behind and I think its just a new feeling for me. But you’re so right—with friends who are now far away the sentiment is *Next Time!* and the plans on the calendar make the day to day much easier.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
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This is a very moving post. I can’t say anything better than what has been expressed by the other commentators, but I will say that we have a much wider range of communicating tools now. So hopefully, once your friend has settled down, she’ll make contact again. Then your pain won’t be so great.
Its hard when people leave but with the many ways to stay connected these days, its not as bad as it used to be. I remember being in middle school and I moved to a new school over the summer. I lost contact with all of my friends even though It was only about 20 minutes away.
Now, I have a friend who moved to Japan from the US and we are still in contact. And with Facebook, I know whats going on in his life.